Hello, lovely souls! I have been a bit swamped with life so I haven't really had too much time to devote to writing and updating more content for my blog here - as I keep trying to find things that are relevant to speak on, as well as try to honor my own momentum and movement of life. If you have followed me on any sort of social media (but especially on Instagram), you will know that I am often very raw and real with my situation - in all aspects. I have a need for transparency, for honesty, for realness. I don't try to hide behind a shiny façade that puts me on a pedestal - I am extremely human and very much here in the trenches of it all.
I have recently seen an influx of people that are using spirituality as a means of making BANK. And I have even shared my opinions on Doreen Virtue and what I feel she has done to this community, as well as how it might have allowed for a lot of people to come into this with an idea to become ultra rich, ultra easily. I am not here to shame anyone for doing what makes them happy or even finding successes in this life. We are all walking our own personal journeys, and I am just here existing on this plane, as well. My problem with the things I have recently seen really stems from the shaming that goes along with those who are too "broke" to commit to this work by some people in this community. It irks me - it is what got me online, actually. I was bamboozled in another way, but still a valuable lesson that I honor on this journey.
When I was first very curious, lost, and scared - I wanted assistance with my gifts. This was back in 2007, and the internet was NOT what it is today. I found a few books at a local Barnes & Noble, I signed up for whatever I could find online, joined different forums to help guide me, and tried to find solace in Astrology and Tarot. I was in the middle of a spiritual affliction and needed someone who could guide me out - and I was not able to find anyone for years who would take me on as an apprentice, because I lacked money, but not gifts. The fact that so many of these souls called themselves empaths, yet could not at least point me in the right direction (I even had one woman laugh at me for asking for a payment plan or something along those lines), really hurt me. Eventually, I found a safe space that was nice to find someone who saw the value in creating something that allowed others to feel a sense of belonging. It really helped to connect with others in this way and encouraged me to keep trying to make a community on my own, as well. It is honestly, why I started this whole thing - I wanted to help others not feel so alone, share resources, have fun, and enjoy connection.
For anyone who knows me, knows that I grew up very poor. Below the poverty line in a lot of cases. I never went without in the sense that I was always able to get my very basic needs met. My parents are Mexican immigrants and came to the US illegally in the 80s. They are now both citizens and have worked hard to create a life here in the US. English is my second language, and I was teased mercilessly for my funny accent. I remember living in roach infested apartments, questionable trailer parks, and other very sketchy things along those lines. My family would sometimes survive on beans and rice and tortillas alone. I recall many meals of just a tortilla with mayonnaise and salt. Shivering in our small trailer during the not so cold winters in Texas, because we didn't have heat. Utilities being cut off. Having to go to the laundry mat to wash clothes, saving every bit of change to buy groceries, only shopping for things from thrift stores, garage sales, and even digging through trash to see what we could find. And yet, I was always happy with my life.
I didn't realize I was poor until 5th grade when a rude little girl made fun of me for not being able to dress out at gym, since my parents couldn't afford the gym uniform required to participate. My mother had chosen for me to do band instead, since that seemed more important to her. After a few months of being harassed by this girl, I finally had enough. We fought, and for the first time since school started I was put into in-school suspension. I didn't realize that this was going to be something I would continue to encounter the rest of my life - feeling the shame of my poverty, trying to gain a bit of room for respect, and being put into a position that makes me feel more shame for wanting to defend myself.
That started this whole spiral of events for me, because now I saw that not only was I a Mexican-American daughter of immigrants but I was also very poor - another sin to the American people.
Why do we hold so much contempt for those who are in poverty, as though there is some quick and easy fix that makes it all go away if we just worked harder?
I was cleaning out hotel rooms at 12. I helped my mom clean houses in the River Oaks area of Houston from ages 13-17. Here I would clean these mansions in the most wealthy places in Houston - and I would just be in awe of the beautiful places these people would live in. I never saw wealthy people who looked like me. My mother signed up for every MLM she could. She chased that MLM dream of being ultra-rich and successful at the cost of everything else in her life. My mother hated her poverty more than anything else. No matter what we had - it always felt like it was not enough.
In High School, I decided to start dealing drugs - but very sneakily and small time. I didn't get involved in big things, just a few pills here and there, making money in whatever way I could. That money I made from those pills and drugs went to my clothes, my school supplies, and into feeding me. I joined the Army at 17, as a means to get out of the poverty circle I was in. While in High School, I kept 3 jobs simultaneously - a pharmacy, a fast food chain, and a hobby store. All while trying to help my mother out with her businesses. You can't say I didn't work hard or try enough. I was an honor roll student, who also was juggling 3 jobs. I have a tenuous relationship with both of my parents, so I have been pretty much on my own financially since I was 17. No parent bought me a car, no parent had a savings account to help me with college, or with life in general. Every scrap I have gotten myself in has been mine to deal with. I have been responsible for me since I was just a child. I left for basic training with a backpack - and that is all I had that was mine.
The Army creates a whole different level of poverty - you are chained to a contract that you can't break. But the benefits keep you stuck and I was actually stop-lossed in 2004, so I had to re-enlist for another 3 year term in order to fulfill my contractual agreement. I became a teenage parent at 19, and a single mother at 21. I have known poverty well for so long and that is tastes of peanut butter and jelly, tortillas with beans, and ramen noodles. It is hot nights sweating in your sleep because your electric is cut off, it is showering at work because you have no water at home, it is riding the bus because you can't afford to pay for gas. It is praying in the middle of the night for something and finding nothing. I can't even recall how many times I would cry in my car because I had no idea how to afford diapers or the special formula my child needed. How many times I would pawn something of mine that had some sort of value just to be able to eat.
Now, don't get me wrong - I was also extremely financially illiterate. When you grow up poor, it is hard to understand how finances work - and you just learn you don't have it. So when you do, you don't really know how to manage it or deal with it.
As an adult on my own, as a mother, as a person - I never had anyone sit down and teach me how to budget or how to handle my finances in a way that didn't leave me broke, or without. I have had to learn on my own. It hasn't been easy. I also had a lot of financial baggage from my mother - as she was also extremely financially illiterate and used her children's identities as a bargaining chip to get things she felt she needed. Or to get around certain laws. That is a whole other thing that also really messed things up for me and kept me from being able to start a normal-ish adult life for myself. When you have credit that is in the shitter, you will not be able to get a nicer place to live. I always had to look further out that where I worked - which meant more wear and tear on my crappy vehicles, it meant more gas, and just more overall expenses to keep in mind. Poverty makes you learn a lot - how to fix your own car, how to deal with your own repairs, how to make do with almost nothing. It made me efficient and it made me understand so much about my own determination.
Poverty feels like a cycle and an echo chamber where you can't really see how to get out of it. If it is all you have known and if everyone around you has also been poor, then how do you find a way to break a cycle and get off the ride you didn't even know you got on?
In 2019, I overdrafted my account for the first time in about 15 years. I was deeply embarrassed and stressed. I asked for assistance, I worked my tail off, and was able to pay the fees, bring my account back - all with my cards, my gifts, and my soul. In 2020, we lost our jobs, moved out of state to chase other opportunities, ended up without a home for 5 months, and had a lot of things go wrong. We exhausted our resources, I was over it. I don't think I have cried as much as I have cried in 2020. It was an excruciating personal year for me, not even given the global things that were happening, and the happenings in the US. I have felt more like a failure since 2019 than I have in a long time. I have taken out loans to keep me afloat. I have borrowed against my future in the hopes that it will better. This is what poverty does. I am almost 40, and still having to work around the clock to just be able to exist. When you are starting from below zero, it feels like you will never be able to get out of the hole.
I see some people who view my numbers on Instagram and ask how I can still not be making 6 figures. I have no clue. I refuse to promote for money. I often do giveaways. I keep my pricing affordable, as I want to be of assistance to those like me - BIPOC, LGBTQIA+, and the ones who feel forgotten by America, but keep it running. I have seen others with little experience, taking the money and going - making courses for thousands and shaming those of us who don't have the time, resources, or gumption to swindle this amount from people. I see retreats being sold as packages for thousands - and I wonder, who can afford this? Who can take time off for a week? Who has the resources to take care of their household for that long? I am the oil, the blood, and musculature of my family, so without me - I am not sure what they would do. And what jobs do these people have that allows them to take that much time off? I also have seen those that shame others for not being in alignment with abundance - which is an interesting concept to me. Those who claim to help others manifest millions, just by having them pay a low, low price of $5k for their programs to teach them how to start. And I am sitting here thinking of what a difference $5k would make for me, and how many months I would be able to breathe a little easier knowing I could actually enjoy things for a moment. These things feel tone-deaf to me. I didn't take the time out from the world shutting down to learn a new skill, put together a new program, or build something from the ground up - because I was working the entire time, just to stay afloat. Just to eat. Just to try to find the next thing to grasp onto.
Now, don't get me wrong - if you got it - do it. But please note that this is NOT the reality for many of us. I couldn't handle an emergency at this time, because 2019-2020 depleted me to the negatives. I am scraping by. Juggling things, working around the clock to make ends meet, putting things off until I can finally deal with it, and slowly stretching it all out. Little things going wrong=HUGE inconvenience (like my fridge dying last week and having to replace almost everything that spoiled). I need repairs on my car - and am married to a mechanic, but I have to wait until I can afford to get repairs done.
We shame those who are poor in various ways - we live in a capitalistic and commercialized society that is constantly shoving things and products down our throats. We are made to feel like failures if we don't have the latest, greatest, and mostest. I get caught up in this stuff at times and have to take a step back from it - because I am not even sure why I want some of these things or feel like something is missing without them at times. We all want to belong, and I am also very human in this, too.
Spirituality has become this weird commodity in a sense - where you have to have an aesthetic and all of these tools and so forth in order to be a part of the cool clique or whatever. I would fall for it at times - buying up every thing that called out to me - all the crystals, all the decks, all the things. Only to realize that it doesn't make me better at what I do. I use the simplest tools in my practice: a notebook, a pen, a pendulum, a deck of cards. That is all that I really need. Yes, I do own over 100 decks - and have had over 250 in my collection at one point in time. But I have come to the realization that I wasn't even doing it for myself - it was to stay fresh or relevant in a society that only values the shiny. I want real. I am real. I am simple. And I don't know why I get caught up in it.
I think back on the most spiritual people I have met on my journey - the ones who were eerily gifted, or those who just emanate a presence of magic - they had the most humble and simple things around them. Their riches lay within. And so in honor of these things, I am slowly moving back to the simplicity of who I am. Not because I am rejecting what is popular, but because I feel the most connected when I am being ME, and not trying to keep up with the spiritual Joneses. Not that there is any shame in wanting to buy all the tools and everything else! I just know that my own journey has led me back to the roots of what I know. My culture and upbringing are about the simple things - connection, family, and presence. I have committed myself to serving with devotion - in all aspects. Honoring my ancestors, my deities, myself and those who are near me with lots of love. Not because I can make money off of them, but because at the end of the day, my stamp should be about love. Not the things in my possession.
I just wanted to share these things, because it can feel overwhelming to some of us that are starting off. We see some people sharing what they think should be done and how to be successful. But I know for me, leaving my clients happy, fulfilling my soul's work to be of service, connecting with like-minded souls, and sharing the things that I have learned is what makes me feel RICH.
I will never forget the curanderas (witch healers) in Mexico that looked forgotten, but would be remembered when others needed something. They were always take care of - even if they didn't have much in the physical realm. I am a devotee to Santa Muerte, the deity of the downtrodden, the forgotten, the poor. I will never shame someone for what they lack in the physical realm - as what they may have spiritually may be well beyond the riches of this existence. We need to break the cycle that you can only be spiritual and wealthy. Look at the lessons that many of the Ascended Masters have brought to our attention. Many lived in poverty, many without any possessions in this life, and yet - we look to them for their wisdom. My ancestors lived a very poor life, and while I may at moments feel frustrated by the physical limitations, I am still wealthier than I imagined I would be when I was just a young kid in the trailer park, finding lice on my pillow, and roaches on the wall. I don't feel the pangs of hunger within me, because I am able to feed myself. I no longer have to feel cold or heat like I did back then. My clothes are clean (although not the nicest - but beautiful to me). I have an incredible job that provides healthcare for my little family, and also allows me to show up in service to children with special needs. I have many amazing comforts that make my life easier. My children have known comforts and a better life than I had, and that is the most beautiful blessing of all.
And I feel eternally blessed to share this with others.
My hopes and dreams still live - although I do wish they would manifest faster, I can see them a bit more clearly. I aspire to have a community center for spirituality that provides healing and a welcoming space to BIPOC & LGBTQIA+ souls along the way. I want to have a space that feels like home, that allows me to show in full service of who I am. I know it is coming - as I have not found a place like this except for Cosmic Tea Holistic Shop in Denver, where Elizabeth has made a beautiful and amazing local space that is filled to the brim with big magic! She has inspired me to dream bigger and to have faith in my purpose.
So, can you be poor and still successfully spiritual?
Do you need all the tools in order to be good at what you do?
Do you have to invest in yourself in order to find abundance and magic in the future?
I think you should take time out to understand yourself in whatever way speaks to you - but it doesn't need to be this multimillion dollar thing in order to make multimillions.
Take advantage of what is available to you. There is a lot of free information out there (and even on my blog - Check out my How To/DIY section). Use Ascended Master Google - lol... if you are looking for books - use Thriftbooks. And your local Libraries - you would be surprised how many things are available out there for free - so use those free tools. Don't think you have to pay for everything in order to be good. Just hone your skills, get curious, and show up. I think the rest kind of falls into place and allows us to really be ourselves.
Will life feel easier if you have always had to battle the poverty breathing down your neck? Probably not. BUT - you can find a beautiful balance that allows you to show up. Just know that you can also do any of the things I am doing, and I hope you do. We need more of us showing up authentically and sharing out stories - as well as our background. We need change the narrative that many of us see that lacks the diversity, representation, and experience of those who don't fit the typical narrative being shown to the masses. We need more BIPOC & LGBTQIA+ souls that can add variation and a new perspective to the story. Many of these traditions belonged to the Indigenous people, to those who often find themselves outside of the narrative, and those in minority communities. I know my Indigenous roots have been almost extinguished by the colonization of Mexico. I am diving deep into the ancient traditions from my ancestors. All cultures on earth have magical teachings to share. So, it shouldn't just be this one way of showing up and sharing what we know, feel, and do. I tell people all of the time, there are no rules to what you feel within yourself. Trust that.
Our ancestors may have had nothing, too: AND YET, their beautiful and magical blood pulses through our veins and bring us amazing power. So, it is time to honor them and show up.
Be you. On purpose. With purpose.
I love you. Always. All ways.