Hello, soul friends! It has been a while since I had written my own personal blog here, and in the essence of transparency, I would like to reconnect with things that I have written and shared in the past. In this day and age of instant gratification, as well as the accolades one receives from the ego-boosting likes, comments, and interactions - I am wanting more. More realness. Connection. Heart. Soul.
One of the biggest lessons on this journey called Life, has been healing and that is why I decided to write THIS BLOG POST. I dove into a few things and skimmed the top. I also have learned a lot about how to forgive, so I also completed THIS POST on it. I also recently disclosed my tumultuous relationship with my mother in THIS POST for more transparency. Relationships are the main reason we incarnate and they are the backbone for the education we receive in this lifetime. Each relationship has something to teach us, about ourselves, about our personal growth, as well as give us necessary tools to continue learning and growing.
"Healing is sometimes ugly and hard and dark and scary. It is sometimes vulnerability and other times impenetrable strength. What you garner from your soul and your path is yours." - Me
I lost my best friend this year. Grief is overwhelming.
Grief is something that I thought I was familiar with, I mean... after all, we each experience loss to various degrees in life. I have even had to grieve someone who was still alive, since breakups happen. Things shift. We move on. And away at times from the relationships and connections we once had thriving in our lives.
In July of 2021, my best friend and one of the people I considered my person in this lifetime was admitted to the hospital with Covid. Now, I have my own opinions about everything that has happened in the last 20 months, but I will say that seeing it affect someone I love so much really threw me off. I was worried that she wouldn't make it back out. She struggled along: good days and bad days for 6 weeks. It was looking like she had finally made a turn for the better, but then all of a sudden died on 9/9/2021 at 9:44 am. I was devastated. Shocked. I felt like the earth was removed from under me. I sobbed like a wild animal at work, in my vehicle, at home. I sobbed for days until my eyes were bruised. I stopped eating. I had a hard time doing anything for weeks. The shock. The fact that I hadn't gotten to actually speak with her since July. The idea that I was supposed to visit with her in August this year but she was in the hospital, so I postponed my trip since she was sedated and not able to have visitors besides family there. All of it just seemed like the most unfair and unkind circumstances.
I am still left here in disbelief over it all.
She was so loving, kind, hilarious, and talented. The world really lost on someone who had so much potential and had so much more love to give and life to live. I am grateful for her sisters and their inclusion of me in our shared loss and grief.
The trip I had put off until she was out of the hospital and better, the trip that was supposed to be a reunion since I had moved away from Houston in August 2018, the trip that was supposed to be a few days of us being witchy together and have fun, the trip for me to convince her to come visit up in the mountains of Colorado - this trip was made to pick up items she had for me and things her sisters had separated for me to have of hers. Decks, old gifts she had for me and my kids, and also just memories we could share together. It was a tear-filled and rainy trip back to Texas. Not at all how I imagined it would be to return. I miss her so much.
So many tears. So much grief. And it has no where to go!
I keep thinking of all the quotes I have read over the years about what grief is and how to process it and how it is just love with nowhere to go.... and I finally get it. I guess I have been lucky enough to not have actually lost someone to death that I felt this close with. Have I felt grief or lost people I cared for? Of course. But usually on my own terms and in understanding that they still exist out in the world. The fact that I can't just pick up the phone, I can't randomly send her a Snapchat rant, or funny TikToks, is crushing. I didn't realize how much space she would leave. I had no idea my heart could feel like this! My life feels so empty without her presence. She was the one who encouraged me to keep getting up and trying on here. She was the person who I would have look at my design choices with my site and my socials. We could gossip and work together. We could be petty but also incredible healers together. We just shared so much in the last 26 years that my heart is feeling so weird without her here.
I have included some of the work she created and shared with me. Grateful for the digital age. It allowed me to attend her funeral virtually. It has allowed me to archive YEARS of conversations. From the mundane to the deep. I have videos of her singing (goodness... was she incredible) and laughing (wheezing more like). I have "Thank you" cards she created lovingly for me to use with my business. I have logos she made of mine - so even though we were working on a rebrand, I am keeping it how it is, since it has her mark. I am sitting here surrounded by her and she never even visited me here in Colorado. But I have gifts she picked out for me, plants that we both had cuttings of, decks her sisters gifted me of hers, reminders of her in all the reaches of my work. I miss her so much. It doesn't and will never feel fair.
She really had so much more life to live, and I think that is the part that hurts me the most. She hadn't really gotten out there, yet. I had pushed her into starting her own biz and taking it seriously. Her dreams will not be realized by her, but I hope she sees all of us who loved and adored her, still trying to focus on our own and making her proud. She deserved so much more than she got in this life, but I am so grateful that each and every person who knew her felt her magic: she was love. The part that really hurts me is all the things we were going to make and be together. I feel a huge space next to me now. I feel so much pain just thinking about how much more she had in her soul to give and make and be.
She loved so many things and had the best taste. She had a talent for giving the most amazing gifts. Her favorite things that remind me of her are: owls, the moon, Marvel heroes, aesthetic things, ketchup, Halloween, music, graphic design, writing, poetry, makeup, baths, plants, skulls, photography, perfume, candles, singing, the color black, and beautiful items.
A quote that has resounded in my head and heart has been: "But what is grief, if not love persevering?" - and I realize it is something that just needs to be lived through. My life and heart will never be the same, I am split open in my pain. I am sad to my core over the loss of such an amazing woman, a beautiful soul, and a HUGE part of me. A part that showed me so much and gave me something I didn't realize I needed as much as I have now that she isn't here. It hurts because it was an easy part of my life that I didn't have to try at. It just clicked and worked and we never had a fight or an argument about anything. We would get together and just be. It was simple. And I am feeling so bereft of that ease. Because not a lot of spaces and places in my life have been easy.
And it has only been almost 2 months. I know people around me must be tired of me bringing it up. But I am not okay, I am not over it, and it hurts so much. The tears keep falling. Love keeps falling out of me in the form of these tears. I am overwhelmed by the normalcy of things. Nothing stopped for her. Things just kept going. And it feels like such a profound loss - not just to me, but to the world. I am clinging to each and every little nugget of magic she leaves for me. I am grateful for the connection I have to spirit. I know she is in spirit and accessible. I just miss her human self.
I realize how lucky I am to still be here. Even if life hasn't been so kind, gentle, or easy. I know that it is a privilege to be here in the earth plane and to also have a connection to the spirit realm, where I can at least receive messages from her and guidance. I am blessed to have the recognition of knowing I have gained an amazingly funny and blunt spirit guide. It just hurts to have to retrain myself from texting her. Or to realize when I go back to Houston, she will no longer be a part of the trips there. I am glad we had all of those years of memories together. Laughter for days. Amazing moments shared. I hope she felt the love I gave her and knows how I still continue to love her no matter what.
I continue to recall that being here, even without her here is a blessing. To be living this incarnation with all of the challenges meant to grow me. I continuously remember: Everything is lovingly curated for me. I miss her so much but knew how much she loved me. She was always one to share her magic with everyone she met. She was just pure love. And I thank you for loving me so. It was exactly what I needed. You showed me that love didn't have to be difficult. You taught me that friendship can be easy. That you can pick up and go, as life continues. My heart misses you so - and I realize that the relationship and friendship we had this lifetime was much more than words can explain. She was a true sister of my soul. I thought we had so much more time. I wish we did. But I accept her soul's choice to leave this earthly plane and know she is guiding me through these immense feelings.
I see the magic in the heartbreak. I value the painful work this lifetime.
So, as I sit here and look at my own journey and how I am healing; you can, too. Give yourself permission. Work through it when you're going through it. Don't let fear or even a lack of support keep you from diving into your wounds. Learn to love and befriend yourself, too. Break past the limitations you hold about yourself and who you are supposed to be.
Grief hurts because I was lucky enough to love someone so much that the absence of them creates a physical reaction. The tears may dry over time, but I know the love I have shared with this magical soul will always ache for their presence. I miss her - not just because she was my best friend, but because she was so HERE. She showed up for everyone and anyone all of the time. She was always enjoying all of life. I strive to be more like her. To be here and show up and not hide myself away.
Amelia was my number one support and cheerleader, the one who was always pushing me past my comfort zone. She helped me with almost every visual and graphic representation of my biz. She was always truthful and blunt with me. She was the one who would encourage me to get out of my head so much and just share who I am. Without her, I am not sure I would still be doing all this.
You are who you are as you are for a reason. Don't shrink. Don't shift for someone else's comfort. You are here to shine your beautiful heart, so please do. Sing your own song. Dance to your own rhythm. Don't settle for less than what you deserve. And definitely don't hide any part of you that brings life to the world.
Share it all, babes.
Unapologetically and authentically.
I share my heart, my journey, my struggles not because I am afraid to be more - but because I know I will be more. I rise and rise. I stumble along the way and it's totally okay. I am here to shine. I am here to love. And I have an obligation to love this human I am at this moment and the human I have been in the last 38 years.
Please know and love yourself for all of the wounds you carry. For every part of you that has carried on a legacy of pain via your relationships. You are your own person. You are glorious. You always have been. I can't wait to see what else you do.
Keep growing.
I love you. Always. All ways.
Amelia, I love you to the moon and back and then all over again. And I miss you just as much.
