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Thirty-Four


Hello, soul friends! I have been writing about my journey a lot more this year, and perhaps it has something to do with my age and what I have learned. Or maybe it is just the confidence to not care as much about what others may think of me. I want to share and talk and learn and grow. That is what I am here to do.

I am a few weeks away from turning 35. Thirty-FREAKING-five. It isn't even the number that alarms me, it is the grown up sounding-ness of it. Yes, I have been doing grown folk bidness since I was about 19, but geez - there was a little bit of a fairy tale vibe to it, if that makes sense. Thirty-five has some authority to me. It is that age that I look at and say - you're old enough to know and DO better. But I swear, I feel like I am still 20 (until I spend a whole weekend doing yard work and wake up stiffer than a board).

I guess I am just totally shocked to still be here. Like I am really up in this world, existing and like doing this human life thing. It is a trip. I have been looking back and reflecting, thinking of the last year, the last decade, and the entirety of my life thus far.

In the last year, I changed jobs, my husband moved out of state for work, we have gotten a handle on our debt, my oldest started high school, my rescue dog had a mass removed, I have gained a lot of followers on my Instagram, I finally got serious and bought my own domain for this site (and opened up my own shop here, as well), my youngest is becoming more of artist daily, I have dived deep into my own education and learning. I have become more aware of my own power. I have also made a big life decision. I even decided to stop dying my hair and letting the grays just be. I was lucky enough to get a DNA test done and found out so much about myself and my heritage - as well as my health. A year is so fast and yet so much time. There are so many other moments in the last year that made me shift, grow, and change.

It is interesting to exist. In my short years here on earth, I have mastered English (as a non-native speaker it was hard!), learned semi-basic French, have moved about 20 times, lived in 4 different states, traveled to 28 states, become a mother (twice), and a wife (two times). I have divorced, had my heart broken, broken hearts, battled an eating disorder and mental illness, cried until I had no tears left, suffered injustices, and been afraid of not having a future due to disease and illness.

Beyond all of that, I am a sum of my experiences - not as limitations, but as beautiful badges of a life well-lived.

I have had so much beauty in my life. I have my family around me. I am relatively healthy, I am lucky enough to have success in various facets of my life, and I am surrounded by amazing and powerful friends. My spirit has been so low and broken many times throughout my life. I have dealt with a lot - just like any other person on this earth. I have also lived through incredible things. Beautiful, heart-brimming, love exploding moments. I have found my lobster. I have two incredible, talented, wise old souled children to be the charge of in this life. I have incredible pets (who are annoying but literally are my children's spirit animals). I have met such powerful women who have brought so much magic in my life. I have developed beautiful relationships that are the cornerstone for my work here on earth.

At the end of the day, I feel so fulfilled. Even if I am not where I am supposed to end up. Even if I have no clue where all of this is taking me. Even if I am not as ahead as I thought I would be at grown ass thirty-five. I used to FEAR getting older, and now - I have my grays showing, I embrace the beauty in experience and in the character growth, I see the magic in becoming the crone.

I used to fear getting older.

But I do not anymore.

It is a gift to live. It is a treasure to experience this life and to continue on this thread for so much time. I have come to understanding how precious it is to be here. To feel like this. To love like this. To have the capacity to learn and grow and become.

I don't know why I have been so nostalgic and grateful lately, but I feel like there has been a softening within me. Maybe it is just that I am so close to this solar return and maybe just looking at my life as a whole. All of the things I have experienced, all of the beauty and the pain. All of the healing I have been hard focused on and also the magic that keeps coming into my life. As I open up, as I dive deep into my soul and self, I see the thread of it all. I have been an adult for a long time, but I finally am feeling comfortable in it. I am taking risks, I am making changes, I am holding on to the steering wheel. Not gripping but holding and easing as life unfurls for me.

There has been a resurrection of sorts in my faith, in my capabilities, in my own personal magic. I see so much to be thankful for. I am so grateful for the speed bumps that made me slow the hell down. For the people who have crossed my path and broke my heart so fucking spectacularly. I thank them. For loving me so much at a soul level, they say that they were the catalyst I needed in order to grow and change this lifetime.

I can almost laugh at myself for thinking being in your thirties was old. That by the time I was this age, I would have it all figured out and put together. Not. At. All. All aboard the hot mess train! I am still figuring it out. I am still learning. I am still messing up. I am still inexperienced. I am still scared. Life isn't always easy and kind and gentle and soft. Sometimes it is spikey and exhausting and frustrating and it even breaks your heart. There are days when all I want to do is cower away and hide. There are moments where I feel my heart shattering.

And I am still here. Miraculously.

In spite of it.

Because of it.

So, I am taking the salty with the sweet. I am taking the bitter and making it better. My life has not been easy. But it hasn't broken me. And it is a true honor to be 34, walking down the bridge to 35.

I may still fear the ravages of age. I am not going to pretend that it doesn't scare me. But I will enjoy the life I have. Each moment. Even when I am frustrated. Even when my heart has been broken. Even when tears run down my face. I will still show up and be present. I will still enjoy the beauty in the breakdown.

To be living this incarnation with all of the challenges meant to grow me. I continuously remember: Everything is lovingly curated for me.

I see the magic in the heartbreak. I value the painful work this lifetime. I also get to enjoy the beauty that this life has for me. To have a body that is capable, a sharp mind, and a sense of humor. I can get anything done that I set my mind to. I am grateful to be here at thirty-four. To not let the weariness be what I show or the focus anymore, but to share the love within and hope to touch those who have touched my heart. I hope to be a beacon and a light. To share the magic I feel within with you all.

You are who you are as you are for a reason. Don't shrink. Don't shift for someone else's comfort. You are here to shine your beautiful heart, so please do. Sing your own song. Dance to your own rhythm. Don't settle for less than what you deserve. And definitely don't hide any part of you that brings life to the world.

Share it all, babes.

Unapologetically and authentically.

I share my heart, my journey, my struggles not because I am afraid to be more - but because I know I will be more. I rise and rise. I stumble along the way and it's totally okay. I am here to shine. I am here to love. And I have an obligation to love this human I am at this moment and the human I have been in the last 34 years. Sometimes it has been terrible and so beautiful.

I am grateful for the thirty-four years of magic.

I am looking forward to many more.

Keep growing.

I love you. Always. All ways.

Notebook and Pen
Fern Leaves

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