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Healing. Is. Not. Linear.


Hello, soul friends! It has been a while since I had written my own personal blog here, and in the essence of transparency, I would like to reconnect with things that I have written and shared in the past. In this day and age of instant gratification, as well as the accolades one receives from the ego-boosting likes, comments, and interactions - I am wanting more. More realness. Connection. Heart. Soul.

One of the biggest lessons on this journey called Life, has been healing. From the past. From my own brokenness. From my own fears. When I first started on healing myself, I was worried that I was not doing it "right". I would relapse, be worse than before, and then feel horrible guilt about it. It just continued a cycle of mental illness for me. The underlying current of expectations of what I thought "healing" should look like.

I thought I was doing it wrong, or not healing good or fast or well enough when I had a moment of weakness or a relapse. BUT.... this little tidbit smacked me in the soul. It shooketh me. It just made me realize that I am human. And what was that little nugget of goodness?

Healing. Is. Not. Linear.

SAY WHAT?!

I honestly have no idea when this little bit of advice struck my heart like lightning, but I am so blessed that it did. I have been in and out of therapy (with countless professionals) for the last 20 years. I have taken medication for depression. I have done the holistic route. I have changed how I think, what I eat, who is around me. I have tried everything that was suggested (within reason).

At the end of the day, my journey has been riddled with beautiful breakthroughs and hard moments that were laborious and beneficial. I had to learn to stop comparing. To stop gauging my progress on someone else's journey.

It is not a competition.

It doesn't need to look like anything anyone else has done or experienced previously.

Your journey, your lessons, your experiences - they are all yours.

Do it your own way. Heal how you feel best works for you. But you have to feel it in order to heal it, loves.

And it DOES NOT need to be in a pretty little package for mass consumption.

Healing is sometimes ugly and hard and dark and scary. It is sometimes vulnerability and other times impenetrable strength. What you garner from your soul and your path is yours.

It doesn't need to make sense to anyone else. Be a mess. Or not. It doesn't matter. It doesn't minimize your experience. It doesn't make you weaker for not having your shit together.

You owe no one a one size fits all version of who you are and where you are at.

Progress is moving fearlessly (and sometimes fearfully) forward. No where does it state that it has to be beautifully executed in a way that everyone understands.

It took me addiction, a divorce, joblessness, and personal self-abuse of my vessel to trigger my spiritual journey. It took me UN-learning. It removed me from my faith to reestablish it in a deeper way. It took me setting my life essentially on fire and rising from those ashes. It was me having to rebuild anew.

I am okay with being embarrassingly human. Because it is what I am here to do and be. Incarnated into this existence. To help my soul grow.

And while I was in that - I was scared and messy and STILL progressing.

I may not always appreciate the hard days, and I may not always see the wisdom in the frustrations, but how lucky I am to be here today. Surviving each day. Arising in the mornings to another opportunity to love as best as I can, to share my heart as much as I am allowed to, to laugh with my friends, to enjoy the weather no matter what it is, to eat something amazing each day, to hear new inspiring music, and feel something beautiful in my soul daily.

I may not always get why I am here and I may grumble at the twists of fate. I may get irritated at the humanness. But I swear I fucking love you, Life. I know 14 year old me would be shocked to know that 34 year old me is saying this. But it is true. Oh, is it ever so tragically and beguiling true.

After all the scars I wear internally and externally, I am so glad to be fucking present. To enjoy this incredible gift of existing in all of the Universe, right fucking here in this time and in this space.

To be living this incarnation with all of the challenges meant to grow me. Everything is lovingly curated for me. So, yes Life. I love you. And I know you love me, too. I feel it in my lungs as your magic fills them and on my skin when the wind blows and I see it with the beauty you share with me. Thank you for loving me so.

So, as I sit here and look at my own journey and how I am healing; you can, too. Give yourself permission. Work through it when you're going through it. Don't let your preconceived notions shake you down. Don't let perceptions of what it should be like keep you away from the beautiful and hard work.

You are who you are as you are for a reason. Don't shrink. Don't shift for someone else's comfort. You are here to shine your beautiful heart, so please do. Sing your own song. Dance to your own rhythm. Don't settle for less than what you deserve. And definitely don't hide any part of you that brings life to the world.

Share it all, babes.

Unapologetically and authentically.

I share my heart, my journey, my struggles not because I am afraid to be more - but because I know I will be more. I rise and rise. I stumble along the way and it's totally okay. I am here to shine. I am here to love. And I have an obligation to love this human I am at this moment and the human I have been in the last 34 years.

Please know and love yourself for all of the versions of you who have existed prior. For every facet that has been. For every shape you have taken. You are glorious. You always have been. I can't wait to see what else you do.

Keep growing.

I love you. Always. All ways.

Notebook and Pen
Fern Leaves

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