Hello, darling friends - this year has been one of unbecoming and learning and diving back in while trying to not drown. I feel so much like myself but then also not very easy to recognize who I have been becoming. I have not been as consistent as I wanted to be with things and I have a laundry list of things to do in real life and in my online life. I have been tired and worn down. I have felt bored with the rhythm of things.
I am constantly taken aback by how things come and go in my life. And as I prepare for a new chapter in my life, I keep thinking - this is The Middle. The meat of my life. The climb as I continue to reach the peak in some fashion. I have lived so long in this Middle that I am still unfamiliar but also comforted by the fact that it is still the Middle.
I have often thought about the story that has led me here - to this snowy tundra, out in the middle of nowhere. I feel the land pulsing and healing me as I live here. I also am discovering little layers and facets. It is coming together and falling apart. My story is so much more than just the parts that I like to talk about that are relevant to what I do - it is the moments I see in flashes at times - kindergarten and the smelly markers, third grade and the school flooded, fifth grade and slapping a boy so hard I got in school suspension, the summer before ninth grade and riding the roller coasters at the theme park, twelfth grade and sneaking out to raves, the first night at boot camp and crying silently to sleep, the night my first child was born, meeting my spouse, the morning my second child was born, losing people I love (living and not), traveling to the mountains, buying my first house, selling my first house, moving across the country again. Flashes that visit me and I am immersed in all of them at the same time.
I am about to get really raw and real. In fact, I have only told a few people my story and why I decided to keep pulling at this thread in my life. My story kind of starts in the middle, or at least that is when I became aware of it starting. So, it feels natural to start there. In late 2006, I had a resurgence of gifts I had long suppressed. I had decided to stop self-medicating with alcohol and was in an unhappy relationship. Visits with a therapist had opened up a lot of wounds, my creativity was at all-time high, and I was going to be ending an important chapter in my life - being in the military. I was making the long preparation process of separating from a life I had known since 2000, since I was 17. By mid 2007, I had ended my unhappy relationship, moved back to my home state of Texas, and started my new life as a civilian (although I opted to remain in the reserves). I was living by myself for the first time in a long time. It was hard to find a job (hello, recession!), and I found myself on unemployment. I was drinking too much again. I was feeling too lost. And then weird things started to occur that frightened me. I began to question my long-withstanding faith in God and the Universe. I picked up my Tarot deck again, I dove back into my astrology studies once more, and I sought out the help from a local psychic. She was an extremely gifted woman, but unfortunately preyed on my fears. She led me to believe I was stuck with a curse on me and that only she could "heal" me. After dumping the rest of my savings into her pockets, she gave me "homework" to do. That experience changed me. Much like the darkness that was in my life had opened me up, her work was so strikingly simple. My faith was what helped me heal. I was embarrassed to share this story with anyone else - I was ashamed at how silly it all sounded and how I was scammed out of a lot of money I didn't have because I was afraid. I felt taken advantage of, and left without much of my own personal reserve. But it was an important moment and lesson that has shaped where I am now and what type of healer I have vowed to be. I remember her words, "You are very gifted, but you will never be as good as me." Those words constantly bang around my head, and I just do my work daily to be as loving, kind, and encouraging to everyone I meet. By 2009, my life was unrecognizable. I was married, back in Houston, and pregnant with my second child. I had lost another job (hello, recession again!), and as I was pregnant - no one wanted to hire me. I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what I would do once I returned back to work once my baby was born.
That year, I met an Angel Channeller that really drew me in. Our session was life altering. I finally had that big "a-ha!" moment. I finally found what I was supposed to be doing. In recognizing what I was meant to do, I had a real purpose. I dove into all aspects of the metaphysical with gusto. I learned as much as I could, I discovered Oracle cards, pendulums, and channeling. Each step along the way has given me a new piece that allows me to grow, expand, and heal.
Every year has given me a new layer to work through. Each relationship that comes into my life shows me something about my healing journey and how much work I have done and have yet to do. Every day I can make a choice to be more aware of my understanding and commit to my healing, or I can continue to be victimized with my perceptions.
The Middle used to feel like such a boring and hard place - the between where I was and what was once familiar, and the space where I want to be in the future - which looks shiny and fresh and easy. This in the space of where I am can be confusing or even a bit tiring, but it is the most important part of the story. It is where the outline is fleshed out. While some characters may still come and go, we have the core. We have the backbone and structure.
All along I have been working on my structure. My foundation. It can be boring. It can feel mundane. And as I make more changes and shifts and see myself in new ways, I find that my work has begun to carry me elsewhere. I still love and enjoy what I do - I will probably never stop slinging cards, peeping astro charts, doing Reiki for everything and everyone. But my soul loves to help, and as I begin a new part of The Middle, I hope that I am able to bring all of the experiences I have learned along the way to help me be in direct contact with those who need it.
Remember, The Middle is the good part. There is no rushing through it, it is necessary and it is building up the plot - fleshing it out, so to speak. So, as I build a new part of my foundation and shift back into the workforce, I will miss certain things that come with this lovely and divine part of my life, but I hope you know - The Middle is for living INTO the answers and for figuring it out by living it.
I am constantly gaining (and always losing) certain things in my life - that is beauty in the wisdom of this spiral called living. But the things I am gaining and the experiences I get to have - those are always mine. I have loved and lost, I have lived and gained. Life is a beautiful and difficult journey at times, believe me, there have been many times where I wished I could just be free of this physical prison called a body - but the wisdom of the Universe and my soul keeps saying, "Not yet!"
At the end of the day, I just want everyone to know how truly magical they are. Intuition is a powerful tool. This is why I always encourage others to find what resonates for them. Your soul will never steer your wrong. Never doubt the power of your intuition. Your soul will always draw in the experiences necessary for your healing. Every experience is lovingly curated to help you grow and heal. Realizing that has altered me profoundly. Trust in the things that speak to your heart!
Thank you for always being here with me, for allowing me to do this work (and helping me support my family), and just existing. I appreciate you, soul friend!