When It Hurts
Hello, soul friends! It has been a while since I had written my own personal blog here, and in the essence of transparency, I would like to reconnect with things that I have written and shared in the past. In this day and age of instant gratification, as well as the accolades one receives from the ego-boosting likes, comments, and interactions - I am wanting more. More realness. Connection. Heart. Soul.
One of the biggest lessons on this journey called Life, has been healing and that is why I decided to write THIS BLOG POST. I dove into a few things and skimmed the top. I also have learned a lot about how to forgive, so I also completed THIS POST on it. I also recently disclosed my tumultuous relationship with my mother in THIS POST for more transparency. Relationships are the main reason we incarnate and they are the backbone for the education we receive in this lifetime. Each relationship has something to teach us, about ourselves, about our personal growth, as well as give us necessary tools to continue learning and growing.
The one thing that has been a huge trigger and also significant part of my journey has been my relationships with other women, especially my close friendships. I have gone through a lot of pain in various shades of my relationships with women. Perhaps it is my 11th house Venus in Cancer conjunct my 12th house Moon in Cancer. I learn through the feminine and my emotions. Healing has brought me various types of women from all walks of life, all challenge me to learn something new about who I am and who I am becoming. It always surprises me when I find another layer, different depth of myself that has never been explored, or even varied understanding of who I am.
I continue to learn so much about who I am and the type of woman I strive to be. I am always being shown a new avenue to explore within my heart and the various places I still have to grow. This current Mercury Retrograde in Pisces has really brought me a lot of reflection about how I show up and share with other women in my life. In the last year, I have been a bit more closed off. I don't know if it was protection of myself, or just avoidance. I do struggle a bit with being more carefree and open in my relationships with women, and have come to the realization that I have a lot of growth to do within my own personal relationship with being a woman (this lifetime). I have done a couple Past Life Regression sessions with different practitioners and have come to realize that my male past lives left less of a painful mark on my heart, while my previous incarnations as a woman had left impressionable pain and intolerance for being female this lifetime.
I believe that every relationship that I have had with women that has not worked out has hurt me so much more profoundly than romantic relationships I have had with men. It isn't that the capacity or depth of love is different (it is), it is more of just a quicker realization with my relationships with men when things are not headed in a positive direction. In fact, I can recall never having a romantic partner ending things with me first. I have always been the one to end the relationship once I was emotionally done. I am an Introverted Intuitive Thinking Judger (INTJ) with a close Feeler aspect (INFJ). My thinking and feeling are both around halfway, so I go in between types at times. If you are curious about your own Meyers Briggs Type, I recommend the quick test from HERE. I think that it is beneficial in understanding yourself, much like astrology and enneagram.
I have been processing a lot about what has happened in the last several years for me and my relationships with women who I either felt were an important part of my life, path, or even just experience. My Saturn Return started in January 2012, funnily enough that is when I started my FB Page, as an extension of a Blogger blog that I had in 2010. I wanted more interaction and not just writing about my experiences. It has led me into such a beautiful, hard, and incredible journey to myself - but I have to admit something. I didn't do all of this alone - at first.
I had started all of this Astrology and Angel Mediums part of my life with someone I had considered my BFF and kindred since junior high school. We had been friends for about 18 years or so, before our friendship failed to survive our Saturn Returns. That was the single most traumatic heart break I have experienced thus far, with the death of my beloved dog in 2008 coming in on a close 2nd. The grief, betrayal, and shock of things just disintegrating so quickly and without real closure really have haunted me. The last time we spoke was on my 30th birthday in 2013. Just for reference: I have been divorced, was diagnosed with Cervical cancer, and have had many other traumatic things happen that don't even come close to the grief I felt at the loss of that one relationship. A grand betrayal for this introvert. And it wasn't even the first time my heart had been shattered by this person. That was, I believe, the 3rd time. My internal door slam was finally done this one last time. There are days where I feel the pain of the split. Like a weakened piece of skin, mottled over with scar tissue. It hurts, it is tender, it is raw. But it has healed over as best as it could.
Being an Introverted Intuitive, I have always struggled with making a lot of (or any) friends. I still struggle and feel like an awkward turtle being in the spotlight or even approaching other adults. In fact, many of my friends are friends of mine that I made back in elementary and junior high school. I am loyal to a fault. I love unconditionally and without limitations or expectations. This is a lot of responsibility for some. I realize that now. It wasn't fair to be that way and think that others have the same type of heart that I do, or that they understand what it all means. Humans by nature are very self-serving. And for me, that is something I have had to learn the rough and long way - because #TaurusLife . LOL... no, but seriously, I feel so silly looking back at long I held onto something that just was no longer working. There is no shame in outgrowing people we love. It doesn't mean the love didn't exist or wasn't justified or needed. It just means you have developed what needed to grow. So you either get a bigger pot to grow in, or you slowly stop thriving in order to stay where you are no longer fitting in.
I wish I could reach out to her and let her know that I am SO GRATEFUL for that spectacular heartbreak. For the tears that washed away the dirt from my eyes. For the way my heart split the fuck open so I could really love - not only myself - but those around me. For the realization that not everyone has a heart like mine, and not everyone is going to be present forever, and not everyone who is in your life really wants to be there. We are not obligated to anyone. And relationships can feel like they are hard - but they don't really have to be. We over-complicate shit sometimes, and as Lauryn Hill sang, "It could all be simple. But you'd rather make it hard. Loving you is like a battle. And we both end up with scars."
So I ask myself why? It sounds so silly to be grateful for things blowing up in my face. For trying to replace a broken relationship with other broken and unkind women. For trying to fill a void I felt instead of just letting myself work through it. I mean, I am almost 36. It has just now dawned on me that I don't have to have a relationship like that in my life to still be valuable and feel loved by those around me. And the less I tried to force it, the more I saw the beautiful women around me who reciprocate and care and love me like I love them.
Now, I am hard headed and I have had many women show up in my life to reteach me this lesson. And yes, I struggle with learning boundaries and enforcing them. But each time my heart has broken since then - the easier it is for me to spot the warning signs that things aren't as well intentioned or on the same level as what I am wanting to offer and bring to the relationship. This doesn't mean that my love is supreme or I know best, but I do OVERstand that I know what kind of reciprocating type of love I need in order for me to feel secure in my friendships. I am so glad that beautiful, talented, amazing women have come into my life - some for a long period and others temporarily to show me a layer of myself that needed to become a bit stronger.
Yes, people try to befriend me with various intentions, and I see that now. I am a wonderful friend. I am an amazing person to have on your side. I also won't make you my enemy if things don't work out. Why? Because I am not here to create more discord in anyone's life. Life isn't easy. And it isn't my job to make yours harder. I am here to be love and share that love. To love without conditions and to support those ready to be loved in the manner that I am offering. If it isn't for them, that's totally okay with me. And that is the main lesson I have learned from this painful experience that has repeated itself in my life.
I have tried to replace this one person, but they aren't replaceable. I don't need them to be replaced. Because then the dynamic would be the same and I wasn't thriving in that situation (and neither was she). I needed more. So, it hasn't been easy, as I was struggling to try to find someone to complete me - when the answer all along is I complete myself. I choose myself. I need myself. I heal myself.
I have grown into such a different and gentler woman. A woman who trusts herself (a bit more than before), a woman who sees things so much clearer, a woman who has become softer and yielding. It hasn't come easy, and I paid a hefty price. I still grieve the loss, and each time I have fallen in love for another woman in my life (that is how it feels), but have them also remove themselves from my life - the wound hurts and throbs. In this last year, I finally chose to stop rejecting myself for others. Sounds obvious, but I really was letting everything else come in between me and my heart. I stopped looking for someone else to approve of me and love me and befriend me. I started giving myself what I was looking for.
I learned healthy coping mechanisms. I learned to not rely on external influences for my personal and internal peace. I was able to explore the complicated and varied relationship I have with other women. I was able to explore what it means to be a friend (to myself and those around me).
So am I healthy and healed and better?
BUT... I am still healing. I am still learning. I am still working it. And when it hurts, I just show up in it and I am honest and raw and real. It is heart breaking and mind shattering to think of it. I hate letting go, but I needed to make space.
I am always growing and becoming more aware. And that is exquisite in my personal knowledge so I can become more of who I am supposed to be this lifetime. I hold no anger or resentment towards those relationships that have failed (doesn't mean I am not still petty - let's be real). I do understand more of who I am and also feel more connected to my purpose here this lifetime. Whether that is understanding myself as a woman, as a friend, as a mother, and as an intuitive being - healing always and all ways.
So, when it hurts - let it. But work with it. Don't just stay there. You deserve to have loving, connected, and supportive relationships in all spectrums around you.
"Healing is sometimes ugly and hard and dark and scary. It is sometimes vulnerability and other times impenetrable strength. What you garner from your soul and your path is yours." - Me
To be living this incarnation with all of the challenges meant to grow me. I continuously remember: Everything is lovingly curated for me. And I know she may love me, too - maybe not in the way I know how, but maybe that is the best she has to give or to give me at that point in time. And I thank you for loving me so. It was exactly what I needed.
I see the magic in the heartbreak. I value the painful work this lifetime.
So, as I sit here and look at my own journey and how I am healing; you can, too. Give yourself permission. Work through it when you're going through it. Don't let fear or even a lack of support keep you from diving into your wounds. Learn to love and befriend yourself, too. Break past the limitations you hold about yourself and who you are supposed to be.
You are who you are as you are for a reason. Don't shrink. Don't shift for someone else's comfort. You are here to shine your beautiful heart, so please do. Sing your own song. Dance to your own rhythm. Don't settle for less than what you deserve. And definitely don't hide any part of you that brings life to the world.
Share it all, babes.
Unapologetically and authentically.
I share my heart, my journey, my struggles not because I am afraid to be more - but because I know I will be more. I rise and rise. I stumble along the way and it's totally okay. I am here to shine. I am here to love. And I have an obligation to love this human I am at this moment and the human I have been in the last 35 years.
Please know and love yourself for all of the wounds you carry. For every part of you that has carried on a legacy of pain via your relationships. You are your own person. You are glorious. You always have been. I can't wait to see what else you do.
I love you. Always. All ways.